But How Will They Wear The Rings?

Filed in Featured, Headline, Sports by on November 9, 2009 1 Comment

Derek Jeter has a fist fulla rings.So too do Jorge Posada, Mariano Rivera, and Andy Pettite.

Once again: each man, to himself, has a full hand-worth of rings. World Series rings.

To put that in perspective, each player has won as many championships as all but five franchises—Cardinals, Dodgers, Athletics, Red Sox, and, of course, Yankees—in the history of baseball. Since their major league debuts with New York in 1995, the quartette has won the World Series, on average, every third year.One Ring to Rule Them All

While a far cry from the record 17 title rings Frank Crosetti won as a player and coach, five rings still seems a bit excessive. Excepting Little Richard and various foreign nobles, I doubt if any man in the world owns more rings than that.

Now, I tend to have an obsessive personality. Whether it’s my journalistic ethos or latent juvenile curiosity, I have to know every detail about everything I am ever exposed to. Everything. If a friend goes to the beach, I must hear about every last wave. If a girlfriend attends a party, I insist on a play-by-play recap, complete with both multimedia and live action presentations, to satiate my prying mind. I know, it’s a debilitating condition that has tarnished if not ruined relationships in the past, and it has to stop.

But these World Series rings, these five rings, I can’t stop obsessing about them. These five fat, shimmering, golden rings. And these Yankees—the aforementioned four—all have a enough to cover a whole hand, and my problem is that, what with all this exorbitant accessorizing, my brain is completely preoccupied with wondering how the players choose to display their opulence.

Do they go with a symmetrical approach and wear one on each finger of one hand? And if so, right hand or left? Would that get cumbersome, having the rings on one hand, because those rings are huge?

They could wear them all on one finger and flip people a gilded bird. How awesome would that be, to say both “fuck you” and “I’m a five time World Champion” in one motion? How could you possible beat that in an argument? “What, so you’re the new husband or something?” they could slur, and then, zing! Just flip them the bird, right there.

Plus, if it got out of hand, and things came to blows, they would already be fitted with bejeweled knuckles.

It’s not like they would be modest about it either, spare my neurosis and not wear all the rings all the time—who would? If you’ve got five rings, you wear five rings. So I’m forced to imagine all the various permutations of arrangement. Just thinking about particularly intimidating displays—two on each middle finger, one on either thumb—make me physically ill.

But there are only so many possibilities to run through before these thoughts grow harmless through repetition, and I realize the futility of troubling myself with ultimately insignificant worries. It should be spring by then, and the dawn of a new baseball season will once again bring hope and light and a reason for optimistic abandon.

Photo credit: kugel

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